Around the World with Auntie Nene

Your Auntie is taking some time off to work on other projects.  

As always, I can be reached at crazyrenee@crazyrenee.com

Exhibit A: My Halloween Costume:

Exhibit B: Recent Photo of Madonna:

I’m just sayin’…

Dear Jen,

I really hope you decided to comment on Angelina’s “very uncool” behavior to get some publicity for Marley & Me and not because you actually miss this:

I’m sorry, Jen.  Maybe he’s a real nice guy, but I’ve never seen the appeal. Even without the moustache, he’s pretty much a rat face.

Look, I’m not looking to throw a pity party for you.  So you’re almost 40, childless and you’ve never been nominated for an Oscar.  Big deal. Me too. 

But let’s look on the bright side. You’re filthy stinking rich, you have a totally hot body and you have truly gorgeous hair.  Just focus on the positive and thank god you don’t have to run your life around six rugrats and 22 nannies.

Yours truly,

Auntie Nene

P.S. A friend of mine saw Angelina at the premiere of The Changeling and said that she looked “banged-up.” 

November 6 — Auntie Nene posts this on her blog.

November 7 — Pres.-Elect Obama says this.

I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on here.

Oxford has compiled a list of the top ten most irritating phrases.  Drumroll please…

1 - At the end of the day

2 - Fairly unique

3 - I personally (I’d add “I myself”)

4 - At this moment in time

5 - With all due respect

6 - Absolutely

7 - It’s a nightmare

8 - Shouldn’t of

9 - 24/7

10 - It’s not rocket science

I’d add “it is what it is,” “a number of” and anything referencing the Wall Street/Main Street dichotomy.

I was in London last March and someone asked me if I thought Americans were ready to elect a Black President.  “Of course,” I said. “If not America, then where?” 

President-elect Obama’s historic victory has been a source of inspiration for so many people the world over.  The road ahead will likely be rocky, but I hope that Pres. Obama will emerge as a leader who continues to bring together people of disparate ideologies in furtherance of a common goal — a stronger, more prosperous country where bright, capable children will have the opportunity to follow in his footsteps.

As the First Family prepares to move into the White House and searches for the “puppy” Sen. Obama mentioned in his acceptance speech, I’d be remiss if I didn’t take this opportunity to remind my dear readers of Michelle Obama’s promise that the “First Dog” would be a rescue dog. Let’s hope this campaign promise is kept.   

I’m proud to say that I supported Best Friends’ effort to collect over 50,000 signatures on a petition urging the Obamas to rescue a dog rather than adopt a purebred. Even Oprah’s down with rescue dogs, and no one wants to get on Oprah’s bad side.

As my grandmother told me when I was a little girl, “Waste not, want not.” For her, it was a function of having grown up during the depression, but I think this lovely little phrase basically sums up my stance toward the crisis facing Planet Earth.  I wouldn’t label myself an environmentalist in the strictest sense of the term, but I do carry a European-style cotton sack to the grocery store, I recycle my paper, plastic and glass, and unlike Jennifer Aniston, I turn off the water while I am brushing my teeth. I don’t go overboard, but I think my record is completely respectable.

Some people take it to an extreme though – Like Sharon Astyk, who was recently profiled in the New York Times article excerpted below.  Sharon, who is trying to reduce her family’s carbon footprint to 10% of the national average, she grows her own produce, refuses to let her son play baseball in little league and unplugs her refrigerator so it functions like an old-fashioned icebox. 

My first thought upon reading about Sharon’s efforts was “Good for you, Sharon. Maybe we should all take a page out of your book.” But as I continued reading, the words just jumped off the page…

“Ms. Astyk, a mother of four,…”

Oh, come ON Sharon!  Do I even need to point out to you that the single most harmful thing we can do to the planet is further overpopulate it?!?!!? I thought every self-respecting Greenie knew that. Water is scarce and becoming scarcer and we are facing a food production crisis in the not so distant future. So you just go ahead, succumb to your narcissism and add to the planet’s burden with no less than FOUR rugrats.  You couldn’t even stop at two?   

Barry Walters, a clinical associate professor of obstetrics at the University of Western Australia, proposed in the December edition of the Medical Journal of Australia that couples who have more than two children should pay an annual carbon tax, and I wholeheartedly agree.  In fact, let’s abolish the child tax credit and require people with more children – who use more resources like schools and doctors and roads — to pay higher taxes.  That way, taxpayers will be disincented to continue procreating at a time when there is no shortage of people in the world, and wealthy single spinsters like your Auntie will pay a more proportionate share of the nation’s tax burden. Wouldn’t that be glorious?  

But if you want an example of really practicing what you preach, get a load of Toni Vernelli, who aborted her child out of concern for the planet.  That’s walking the walk, Toni.  

I’m no Greenie, but I’m willing to put my record up against Sharon’s any day. 

1.  I have no children. 

2.  I do not own a car and rely on public transportation (i.e. the subway) or my own little tootsies for 90% of my transportation needs.

3. I drink tap water.

4. I contribute to charities that preserve endangered species’ natural habitats. 

5. I limit my meat and fish consumption to five days per week.

6. I rarely wash my hair and hardly ever flush the toilet when I pee.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Sharon Astyk and the rest of you sanctimonious Greenies. If you’re really serious about reducing your carbon footprint, you know what you need to do…  

 * * *

October 19, 2008

Completely Unplugged, Fully Green

By JOANNE KAUFMAN

SIMON WOODS, who is 6, would like to play on a baseball team. His mother, Sharon Astyk, is sympathetic, but is also heavily committed to shrinking her family’s carbon footprint. “We haven’t been able to find a league that doesn’t involve a long drive,” she said. “I say that it isn’t good for the planet, so we play catch in the yard.”

That is one way that Ms. Astyk, a mother of four, expresses her concern for the environment. She has unplugged the family refrigerator, using it as an icebox during warmer months by putting in frozen jugs of water as the coolant (in colder weather, she stores milk and butter outdoors). Her farmhouse in Knox, N.Y., has a homemade composting toilet and gets its heat from a wood stove; the average indoor winter temperature is 52 degrees.

Many people who can comfortably use “carbon footprint,” “global warming” and “energy offset” in a sentence will toss a bottle or can into a blue recycling bin and call it a day. Those who are somewhat more committed may swap incandescent bulbs for compact fluorescents, rely on cloth shopping bags and turn to mass transit.

Then there are people like Ms. Astyk, 36, a writer and a farmer who is trying, with the aid of a specially designed calculator, to whittle her family’s energy use to 10 percent of the national average. She and her husband, Eric Woods, a college professor, grow virtually all their own produce, raise chickens and turkeys, and spend only $1,000 a year in consumer goods, most of which they buy used. They air-dry their clothes, and their four sons often sleep huddled together to pool body heat.

They began this regimen in 2002. “My husband and I started to talk about climate change, and oil prices were going up,” Ms. Astyk said. “The other factor was a justice issue. There was a great disparity between the resources used by the third world and by us, so we decided we had to cut back.” Some people may view Ms. Astyk and her family as role models, pioneers who will lead us to a cleaner earth.

Others may see them as colorful eccentrics, people with admirable intentions who have arrived at a way of life close to zealotry. To others they come across as “energy anorexics,” obsessing over personal carbon emissions to an unhealthy degree, the way crash dieters watch the bathroom scale.

Ms. Astyk has heard such talk but says her neighbors’ attitudes have softened as energy prices have risen. “People have moved gradually from ‘Sharon is a fruitcake’ to ‘Sharon is a fruitcake who might make some sense,’ ” she said….. {Go to www.nytimes.com for the rest of the article.)

A great costume for an unabashed provacateur — I now present ”Birth.”

Or if you prefer the two-person version:

Classy.

About four years ago, I tried on a fur coat at J. Mendel. It was black sheared mink trimmed with chinchilla, and it was spectacularly beautiful.  I wasn’t prepared to pay the $24,000 they were asking for the coat so I left the store without it.  I still think about that coat from time to time….

But a few months ago, I made the decision to go fur free. That’s right. No more fur for Auntie Nene.  No mink coats. No ermine stoles. No fox fur hats.  Not even rabbit-lined gloves.  I’m happy to say that I’m done with fur.  

No, I’m not moving to Florida.  I’m staying put in New York and joining the long list of compassionate humans who have decided that fur looks better where it belongs — on little critters.  

So what am I going to do with my fur (not that I have a lot)?

After much deliberation, I have decided that I will put it to good use by donating it to the Humane Society of the United States. The HSUS sends all donated fur to wildlife rehabilitators, who use it as bedding and nesting material for the animals in their care. Wildlife rehabilitators cut the fur into an appropriate size for the animal, whether a chipmunk, raccoon, squirrel or opossum, and put it inside the animal’s enclosure. The furry blanket becomes a “surrogate mother” to the orphaned or injured animal, reducing stress and giving comfort. How nice is that?

PETA also collects used fur coats and donates them to the homeless or others in need, but I’ve determined that I’d rather help the animals I’ve harmed with my irresponsible practices.  Mariah Carey recently donated two fur coats she received as gifts from a wealthy Russian man.  Nice job, Mimi. 

Also, Ricky Gervais recently announced his support for PETA’s campaign to save the lives of Canadian bears whose fur is used to make Beefeater hats.  I love ridiculous headwear as much as the next person, but c’mon Queenie, faux is the way to go. Don’tcha think?

I’m looking forward to my first fur-free winter.  I’ll be rocking the black faux fur coat I bought in 1995 for $40 and accessorizing with a faux-leopard hat I just got at Barney’s Co-op and a “faux not fur” pin from PETA.org.  

I’ve wanted to leave civilized society for years.  Just pack it in and call it a day. Over the past few years, I’ve realized that I don’t really enjoy being around people.  I think I would prefer a world full of non-human primates and big cats.

We could all get along.  I know we could.

Romping around in the jungle. Putting little white tiger cubs on our heads.

Making funny faces…

And laughing…